Well articulated and true. And the 5-year period for grief to meander and dissipate gradually has been the experience of several friends who lost close loved ones. Why it takes so long in our temporal world (though brief in eternity) is a mystery. Perhaps grief's best gift is a reminder to hold our family and friends close and to say what needs to be said sooner rather than later. I learned that when my 39-year-old son-in-law died at the kitchen table of a heart attack while having a normal conversation with my daughter. His gentle pitbull Ubu died of a broken heart the next day, even before the funeral. While the body may go, our spirits remain connected somehow. Thanks for the reminder to leave memories of grace, love, and compassion in our interactions with others, wherever possible.
Hemingway said that sorrow could only be cured by death, and if it is cured by anything less than death, the chances are that it was not pure sorrow, and maybe he was right. There are just ways to come to terms with it, and live with it.
Some experiences can’t be softened much by being explained ahead of time, but they can become less disorienting if we have some way to recognize them when they arrive.
Grief seems to be one of those experiences that can be described, but not really handed over. We can point toward it, tell stories about it, and leave signposts for the people who come after us, but each person still has to meet it firsthand.
That seems like part of what you gave your daughter. Not protection from grief, which none of us can offer, but a marker on the trail.
Nearing 40, my parents and my spouses parents are still alive, and we just had our second child. Things are so good right now, but I've found myself thinking of loss and grief regularly. We all know it's coming, but never talk about it.
Thank you for your insight. It reminds of why non western cultures are a bit better on preparing their members for death, beginning at a very young age. Buddhists, especially. The first tenet ‘life is pain’ serves humans well. It’s the main tool which helps with everything that follows.
Regret often hops into bed with grief, and when they go at it grief is even harder to deal with. With those I care about, I've learned to make sure everything that should be said is said.
Tell that person you love them, and why. Tell them you're sorry now, because later might not come. Express your appreciation and clear the air while there is time, for you and for them.
Life hurts while it is happening, and mostly that can't be dodged. But don't let the present hurt even more because of something unresolved in the past.
A lot of wisdom and courage here. One thing I love about Barry's books, especially his masterpiece "Livia Lone" is his straight-to-the-heart expression of emotion. "Livia Lone" is filled with rage, grief, hatred and love, all in the context of a page-turning suspense story. Native Americans say that the experience of grief is what makes you a "real human being." Agree.
Big thanks for this, Barry. Hits hard and filled with deep truth, like all of your work, but in a different way this time. Grateful.
Thanks for that Ed and hope all's well out east!
Well articulated and true. And the 5-year period for grief to meander and dissipate gradually has been the experience of several friends who lost close loved ones. Why it takes so long in our temporal world (though brief in eternity) is a mystery. Perhaps grief's best gift is a reminder to hold our family and friends close and to say what needs to be said sooner rather than later. I learned that when my 39-year-old son-in-law died at the kitchen table of a heart attack while having a normal conversation with my daughter. His gentle pitbull Ubu died of a broken heart the next day, even before the funeral. While the body may go, our spirits remain connected somehow. Thanks for the reminder to leave memories of grace, love, and compassion in our interactions with others, wherever possible.
Hemingway said that sorrow could only be cured by death, and if it is cured by anything less than death, the chances are that it was not pure sorrow, and maybe he was right. There are just ways to come to terms with it, and live with it.
Lovely post. And true.
I hope you'll forgive my sharing this (directly relevant) essay: https://stephenfrug.substack.com/p/performing-grief
Beautifully written, Barry.
Some experiences can’t be softened much by being explained ahead of time, but they can become less disorienting if we have some way to recognize them when they arrive.
Grief seems to be one of those experiences that can be described, but not really handed over. We can point toward it, tell stories about it, and leave signposts for the people who come after us, but each person still has to meet it firsthand.
That seems like part of what you gave your daughter. Not protection from grief, which none of us can offer, but a marker on the trail.
There’s a lot of care in that.
Nearing 40, my parents and my spouses parents are still alive, and we just had our second child. Things are so good right now, but I've found myself thinking of loss and grief regularly. We all know it's coming, but never talk about it.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for your insight. It reminds of why non western cultures are a bit better on preparing their members for death, beginning at a very young age. Buddhists, especially. The first tenet ‘life is pain’ serves humans well. It’s the main tool which helps with everything that follows.
Eloquently put, and damn important.
Regret often hops into bed with grief, and when they go at it grief is even harder to deal with. With those I care about, I've learned to make sure everything that should be said is said.
Tell that person you love them, and why. Tell them you're sorry now, because later might not come. Express your appreciation and clear the air while there is time, for you and for them.
Life hurts while it is happening, and mostly that can't be dodged. But don't let the present hurt even more because of something unresolved in the past.
Love you, man!
Love you too brother.
A lot of wisdom and courage here. One thing I love about Barry's books, especially his masterpiece "Livia Lone" is his straight-to-the-heart expression of emotion. "Livia Lone" is filled with rage, grief, hatred and love, all in the context of a page-turning suspense story. Native Americans say that the experience of grief is what makes you a "real human being." Agree.